May 19, 2007

~ Randomly...

It was suddenly that I thought some kind of conclusion has dawned upon my thinking about it. When in actual fact, it probably was not that sudden. Because I started thinking about it before I went to bed yesterday. And that’s the same time as after I’ve switched off the telly, having watched episode 30 of Healing Hands IV. Sarah asked Frances what made her decide to start dating Paul when she’s supposed to be relishing in her new found singlehood (and hence, some sort of freedom). And Frances, looking far away as if the answer was out there, replied that it was when she saw Paul standing in front of her, waiting for her answer, and then, turning away dejected when she kept her silence, that was when she realized this person is important to her and that she can’t let him just walk away. I think that’s as good a gauge as any when it comes to the question of how do we know we are in love with someone. ‘In love’. Make it ‘falling in love’.

So I thought about that. Sitting in the bus, waiting at the platform, standing in the train. It’s about importance. But, more about meaning. I seem to know what this is all about. In a life as mundane as it can be, as existential as it can be (i.e for me), what gives meaning to this time, this moment? Or who? If, like how I keep hearing from well-meaning friends but who couldn’t quite grasp my current state, there is to be the next one out there waiting to fill up a void department in my life, then I suppose that I should know how to tell that someone apart from all the others.

She (or he) must be perceived by me (of course) to be able to give some meaning to my life. To shed a little light on why all the moments are here for, why there might be a chance yet for hope to make sense and be meaningfully retained.

I also thought about what Wenn and I have shared much, much earlier on. About how she (I’m sure it was only her opinion then) thinks that we (not restricting to just both of us) should marry someone we can’t live without and not someone we can live with. But, the oxymoron is, I don’t think anyone is totally indispensable to anyone. As far as I’m concerned, if one can live on after the passing of one’s mother, it only means no one is entirely indispensable to anyone. Yet again, what does living encompass? Would you consider a walking zombie living? And would you consider a brain-dead patient surviving on life support living? To live is not difficult. Neither to ‘live with’. But where is the meaning of living the minutes, hours, days and months? That’s what I’m supposed to find. Or who.

But, you know what? Finding is quite meaningless if in the end, you may lose. I don’t like to lose, again. And I don’t like pursuing something when I already don’t see much point in it.

xxx

(background: we were discussing the movie "28 Weeks Later")
Whying: I rather die than become a zombie.
Me: Never say never. You are not under that kind of circumstance, you won't know what you would do. People can do things they never thought they would under certain circumstances.
Whying: No, I won't. I don't want to be a zombie.
Emman: Zombie is good. If you are a zombie, life becomes all about pleasure. Living is all about having pleasure.
Me: Hey! That's a good one. Life becomes all about pleasure.

The pleasure of sinking your teeth into freshly scrubbed skin. I don't know if that will be a pleasurable thing to do. But, the idea of a zombie lives only to satisfy its pleasures sounds pretty cool, actually.

Every zombie for himself. I said I'd blog about it.

xxx

"We went to sing karaoke. At K-Box. Then, after that, we broke up."

On retrospect, that sounds quite funny and very casual.

I cried. Ya, I did. *haa* And you saw it. But you didn't stand up and clap!

It was the same song that took my heart away some time ago. One of the earliest songs we started singing to each other.

有了你，即使平凡却最重要；有了你，即使沉睡了也在笑。

Witty Whying has given me a new nic which is super apt - Jaded Jancy. *yay*

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:24